Tip-Toe Time

A dear friend of ours just announced that his wife is pregnant, which is something they've both wanted for a while. I'm thrilled for them, of course, but now I find myself in murky water (and not just because I live in Louisiana). I don't know her well enough to predict whether she's planning on breastfeeding, on the fence, or determined to only ever use formula. Despite the fact that I write pro-breastfeeding/anti-formula opinions and facts in this blog, I don't cram my feelings down people's throats in real life. I had a friend who was expecting her first when my first was only a couple of months old. She came to town with her cute round belly and immediately announced that she'd never breastfeed in a million years. She had several excuses and didn't ask for help or advice, so I didn't say a word.

When she had her daughter by induction, brought her home from the hospital and let her mother care for the baby for her entire first day and night home, never breastfed, and put the baby in daycare at six weeks (the income wasn't necessary, it's just what she and her husband wanted), I was an inferno of judgement, but I never let her know that. My husband and I talked up a storm about her choices, but I knew that she wasn't open to different ideas, so I didn't try and interfere.

We went to visit another friend after she'd had her third baby. She nursed the first two, but I don't know how long it went on. She was trying to nurse this baby too, but admitted that she'd already begun introducing bottles (he was only six weeks old). She mentioned feeling nervous breastfeeding in public, and with two older kids, staying home all of the time wasn't an option. She mentioned that he seemed hungry afterwards too. She also worried because she occasionally brought him into her bed to nurse in the early mornings and thought that it was wrong. As we sat in her living room, me with my thirteen month at my breast and she with her newborn at her's, we discussed the difficulties she was facing. I gave her some advice and also recommended a couple of books (she's way into researching things). We don't live near one another, so I have no idea if my advice worked, but at least I put out there while she was feeling receptive.

In both of those cases, I knew the woman well enough to be able to judge what approach I should take. This mom-to-be whom I'm just getting to know is an enigma. I am working on finding a balance between being a helpful, experienced mom and a nosy, bossy woman who annoys her. I have learned that when it comes to first time parents and advice, it's always best to give it when they are still pregnant. Once a woman has her baby, she will cling tight to whatever choices she has begun to put into practice and will take it as an insult if you suggest she try something else.